The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist"
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..
Do you have a piece of gum?
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !
Then the Cuban speaks up "Cuba has the best cigars and we have so much we could throw them away." So the Cuban throws some cigars out the window. Well the American doesn’t say a single thing but gets up and walks over to the lawyer and throws him out the window.
There both black people with white faces.
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."
Answer: They all get the house!
Peter thought for a second then said "Yeah I guess I would".
Then his the wife asked, "well would you have her as your golfing partner?"
Peter replied, "yep I probably would do that too".
"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!", she cried.
Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, she is left handed."
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.
The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
You can drop them off anywhere.
She replied, "Everything but my earrings."
He smashed his nose.
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken... hahahahhahahahahah :D
Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
Mever bin laid on
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
To keep its nuts dry
A lickalotopis
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.
The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrotpauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques: formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks"
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down: formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet"
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You: formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked"
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midgetdropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and toldthe midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
The doctor asks the man if he'd like the doctor to put it in today because it's his first time and after this his wife can do it, and the man agrees.
So he puts it in, and the man yells, "ow!" and then the doctor tells him it will sometimes hurt, and sends him on his way.
The next day, his wife puts it in for him, and as she puts it in, he screams at the top of his lungs.
She asks him what is wrong, because she put it in gently, and he tells her that when the doctor put it in, he had two hands on his shoulders.
So her friend told her to go and see a chinese sex doctor.
When she got there he told here to take off all her clothes and crawl to the other end of the room and back.
As she was crawling back towards the doctor, he said "Oh yes... I see the problem now"
"What is it", replied the woman.
"Your face look like your ass" said the doctor.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"
After a couple of years of hard studying and learning about bikes, the last day of school was a final exam. The final exam was a 2 part test. Part 1 was diagnostics of a badly running motorcycle engine. Part 2 everyone in the class had to compleatly tear down the bikes engine, repair it and put it back together running perfect.
After several hours of working, the teacher tells everyone to stop what they are doing. He then judges everyone's work.
He grades everyone. He tells everyone their scores. The grades are 2 part. 50 points for diagnosis. 50 points for installation. He gives 1 person an 80, another person a 75, another a 68. Finally he gets to the doc's bike, cranks it up, it runs perfect. He gives the doc a 150.
Confused, he asked the teacher why he gave him a 150. The teacher explains to him, 50 points for proper diagnosis, 50 points for repairing it properly. The doc asks what about the other 50 points. The teacher then replies, "In all my life, I've never, ever, ever seen anyone completely tear down, repair and rebuild a motorcycle enging going through the exhaust pipes!".
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".
The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"
So the doc. said "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at thisbreakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".
Went to the cupbord
To get her old dog a bone
When she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
"Did you come on the bus"
The other lady replyed
"Yeah but I made it look like an asthma attack"
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"
The old man replies "From Yorkshire"
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"
The taxi driver says "I've been to orkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like thenecklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself"
Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."
While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"
John replies: "No!"
She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."
She then layes him down and starts making love to him.
Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"
John replies, "No!"
The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.
As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"
John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"
The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erectiononce a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"
Gravy Pants
Firing Scud Missiles
Turd Honking
Mud Duck
Panty Burps
Pant Stainers
Cut the Cheese
Trouser Cough
K-Fart
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Exercising the meat nozzle
The Mexican drops a pear on his country.
When the American asks why he says he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.
When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.
Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.
When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.
A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.
He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.
The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.
When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.
The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.
When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"
Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."
The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."
Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.
The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"
Johnny says " I have a question."
OK lets hear it, says the teacher.
Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "Well no they don't."
Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!"
An old man waiting for a bus on a bus stand, he there sees a young guy with his hair dyed in different colours...
The old man was continuously gazing at the boy, the boy asked, Wats up Oldie.. Never Did anything Wild .. ??
The Old Man replied:
Yup, Fucked Up a Peacock once, Wondering if your my Son :P
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A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
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After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
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In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.
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10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
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I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
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The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
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This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
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* A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?
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* After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
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* A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
* The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
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* A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
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TEACHER: Name four members of the cat family.
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TEACHER:Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it?
Pupil: It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead !
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There was a Russian a Cuban an American and a lawyer on a train. The Russian started the conversation with "Mother Russia has the best vodka ever and we have so much we can just throw it away." So the Russian throws a bottle out the window.
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What do Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
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After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
"LoLzzZzz........"
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In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.
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Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon.
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Question: What do a woman, a tornado and a hurricane have in common?
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One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?"
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Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
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A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
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Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?
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The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice. He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some Mathematical help. He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
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What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
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Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
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A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
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A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
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Why was the washing machine laughing?
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What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
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What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
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A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
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One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
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What do you call an afghan virgin
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How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
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If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
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A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
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Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
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A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
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A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.
In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
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1. Combatting Stupidity
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1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
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One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.
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There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
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A man goes to his doctor to pick up his medicine. when he gets there, his doctor tells him that he has to take these up the butt, because otherwise he'd vomit them up.
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A woman was wondering why she hadnt had sex in 5 months.
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Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
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This retired O.B.G.Y.N doctor decides he is bored and wants to find something to do with his spare time. He always had a motorcycle and loves riding them, but never could work on them. He decided to go to school to learn to be a master motorcycle mechanic.
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One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
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Old muther hubber
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
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One day two old ladies met up for a spot of lunch, one of the ladies said to the other
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My nookie days are over
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An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
The woman gives him her license.
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An old couple is in a taxi in America.
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These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.
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There were three guys at a bar.
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Joey and Katie are sitting in school.
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A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
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John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.
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Funny euphemisms people use for farts ...
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A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.
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The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word isDEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."
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